Mend or Break

A Short Story

I sit on the edge of the raggedy red couch Penny, and I got at our favorite Goodwill, resting my elbows on my knees, running my hands through my blond hair. I let out a long breath and try not to think about the conversation I know I have to have with Penny when she gets home.  

I look around our small apartment, a home we’ve built together over the last three years. It isn’t much, buts it’s ours. We moved in together after a year of dating. I don’t regret it; I just wish we could go back to those simpler days. That’s why I know I have to talk to her. It seems all we’ve been doing is arguing and yelling and I’m not a fan of it. I’ve never been one to yell or lose my temper. I was always taught it’s best to listen and talk when you’re calm. I hear the door rattle and know Penny’s coming home from work. I take a deep calming breath, “Everything will be okay. She’ll understand.” I mumble, giving myself a mental pep talk. 

She walks inside and drops her stuff by the front door. She looks up and smiles at me. “Hey Cricket. I thought you were having dinner with your mom tonight?” 

I stand up from the couch and walk towards her. “Hey baby.” I say, kissing her cheek. “I’m still going over, just a bit later.” I smile at her and take a step back. 

“What’s going on? Why are you acting weird?” she asks, nervously. 

“We need to talk about the future Pen. I know it’s a sensitive topic, but we have to.” 

She crosses her arms, in her usual defensive pose. “What is it you want to talk about specifically Gavin?” 

I take a deep breath, one of us has to stay calm and it’s usually me. “I want to talk about when we can have kids.” 

I see her visibly tense and know she doesn’t want to talk about this. But we have to. We can’t avoid it forever.  

“Gavin, there isn’t much more to talk about. I’m not having a kid anytime soon.” She throws her arms out. “You wouldn’t understand because you’re a man Gavin. But everything will change for me after I get pregnant. I’ll get put on desk duty, which you know I hate. I love being in the cruiser, in the heat of things. Not to mention, being a police officer is a male dominated field. This could put me behind in becoming a detective.” 

I understand her truly. As much as I can, as a man. But this isn’t just about her. “Baby, I get that. But this is both our lives. Not just yours. What if time passes and we miss our opportunity. What if, god forbid, something bad happens to you. We’re in a great spot financially and I love you so much. I just want to start a family.” I say, trying not to cry.  

“Gavin, it is our life. But it’s also mine. This will change my life more than yours.” 

“But P-” 

“No! Gavin. This isn’t up for discussion right now.” 

I take a step forward with my hands out. “Pen, I just want to come up with some sort of plan. To know we’re headed in the same direction.”  

Somehow, this makes her angrier. “You can’t control everything Gavin! Just let it go.” 

I shake my head in frustration and try to keep my voice low. “I’m not trying to be controlling Penelope. I just need you to talk to me. Without shouting.” 

She guffaws. “Don’t be condescending.” 

I let out a long angry breath and rub my hand down the back of my neck. This is exactly our problem. I try to get Pen to talk to me, tell me what’s going on in her head, and she does the complete opposite. She shuts down and gets defensive. It’s an endless cycle of hurt feelings and miscommunications. “I’m not being condescending, but you keep shutting down and we keep saying things we don’t mean Pen! It’s not okay,” I unintentionally shout. 

Penny shakes her head. “What happened to not yelling?” 

Ahhh! I push my fingers through my hair and pull at the ends. This is once again going nowhere. Penny continues to stand with her arms crossed over her chest defensively, and a scowl on her face. I take a deep breath and really think about what I’m going to say next.  

“Is there anything else you want to get off your chest?” I ask calmly. 

She’s stubborn so I know what her answer will be before she shakes her head no. As usual she says nothing. We stare at each other for a while until finally I step forward, grab her face, and look into her beautiful blue eyes.  

“I love you Penny, I just can’t do this anymore.”  

I let go of her face and take a step back. I see the fear and tears well in her eyes, and I’m sure I have the same fear and sadness in mine. My eyes dart across her face, taking her in one last time. As I turn away, she tries to grab my hand. I know she wants me to stay, but I just feel so exhausted. I don’t want to feel exhausted when it comes to Penny. I want to feel happy and safe, and we’re so far from that. I glance at her one more time and instantly regret it. I see tears roll down her cheeks and wish I could stop them. But I can’t. Not right now. I turn my back to her and walk away. As I reach the door, I hear Penny’s quiet voice through her tears. 

“But Cricket, I love you.” 

I let out a heavy sigh and keep my eyes on the door, not risking another glance. “I know baby. But we have to figure out where we go from here, if this is where we mend or break.”  

I turn the handle, open the door and walk out as my heart breaks and Penny’s cries grow louder. 

# 

After I left Penny last night, I went to my parents’ house. As much as it killed me not to make sure Penny was okay, I knew I needed some real space.  

The second ma saw my blood shot eyes, she knew I had another fight with Penny. She pulled me into a hug, then led me to the kitchen where she warmed up her delicious poppyseed muffins and made homemade hot cocoa. Then we sat on the porch swings in complete silence, listening to the cicadas. It was peaceful. That’s what I love about ma, she doesn’t push you for answers, but rather listens and waits to see what you need. 

And later when I finally laid on the soft queen mattress in their guest room, I cried. I don’t cry often, but this was a long time coming. Eventually I somehow found sleep, with Penny on my mind. 

# 

After spending two nights at my parents’ house, I decided it was time to go back home. My anxiety has lessened since I spoke to my mom, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous.  

Now, I stand at the front door of our house. Unsure of whether I should knock or walk in and I begin to panic a little. It is our home, but I’ve been gone. Not wanting to scare Pen, I decide to knock. My heart hammers against my chest as I wait for her to answer. I know she’s here because I saw her silver sedan in the lot. I wait another minute before knocking again.  

Then I hear her shout “Yeah, geez, I’m coming.”  

When she finally opens the door, my eyes meet her sad swollen ones. I move down and peruse her body, as if I’ve been away for weeks. When in reality, it’s only been two days. “Hi baby.” I say, as my eyes meet hers again. She wrings her hands together and her eyes drop to the ground.  

“Hi” she says.  

I place my fingers under her chin, forcing her to look at me. “I missed you”.  

“Oh Cricket!” She says, throwing her arms around my neck. “I missed you too. So much.”  

She hugs me tighter, and I place my face in the crook of her neck. I breathe in her scent, truly taking her in. She lets a quiet sob out as we hold each other in the doorway of our home.  

“I never want you to leave like that again.” She pulls away, still holding onto my neck. “You weren’t answering your phone.” She says and looks down. “I thought you might not come back. Ever.” 

I let out a breath and pull away from her completely. I see the panic in her eyes, so I grab her hand and lead her inside to talk. Before we make it to the living room she quickly pulls her hand out of mine and backs away.  

I spin around and raise my eyebrows in confusion. I can see the sadness in her eyes as she says, “If you don’t want me anymore, just tell me. You don’t have to worry about hurting my feelings.”  

I step forward and she looks away. I grab her hands before she can walk away again. “Penelope, look at me.” She hesitates, but finally meets my eyes.  

“I love you with all my heart Pen. But how we’ve been living is killing us both. I don’t want to give up on us, but we need to fix this.” I say, pointing my finger between us. She nods her head in agreement, so I continue.  

“I’ve really thought about this, and I think it would be beneficial to go to couples therapy.” 

Her eyes go wide, but she stays silent, really giving what I said some thought. I squeeze her hands, encouraging her to speak. She opens her mouth to do so, and then closes it. She does this once more until she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. Finally, she looks at me.  

“Gavin.” She says, with a soft smile. “First, I love you too. More than you could possibly imagine.”  

It’s my turn to close my eyes, as I brace myself for her words. She could say no. She doesn’t want to try, and that would destroy me. An unfortunate reality I would accept, if it’s what she wanted. 

She places her hand on my scruffy cheek, sensing my worries. I open them and look at her as she continues. “I really thought about things after you left. About what I want with my own life and the one we share.” She drops her hand back to mine. “I know one thing for sure. I don’t want to live my life without you. I would do anything for you. Even go to therapy. And you know how much I hate sharing my feelings with others.” She lets out a small chuckle. 

I let go of the breath I didn’t know I was holding, and tears well in my eyes. I reach for her cheeks and place my forehead on hers, looking into her wet eyes. “This isn’t going to be easy, but baby, we can do it.” A tear rolls down my cheek and she wipes it away.  

“I know we can Cricket. Just one day at a time”. I close my eyes and press my lips to hers, feeling hopeful for the first time in a long time. 

5 MONTHS LATER 

Looking down at the bouquet of yellow carnations in my hand, Penny’s favorite, I smile. Tonight, is the night everything will change. 

After the night I came back home, Penny and I decided that couples therapy was the best option. We’re all works in progress, but I’d say we’re doing pretty great. We go together and individually, completely determined to better ourselves for each other and ourselves. I’m not sure when we’ll stop going. It’s doing so much good for us. Pen’s learning to share her feelings more and being more understanding. I’m learning I don’t need to control everything and that boundaries are important. We may never stop going. 

We also decided that I would stay at my parent’s house until we got through this. She was hesitant at first, but I felt like I needed to find my way back to myself before I commit to Penny completely again.  It’s been difficult not seeing her every day. But we’ve been texting and calling. It feels like it did back when we first started dating, and that is an amazing feeling. I wasn’t sure we’d ever get back to us. 

I rub my right hand down my neck and breathe in, attempting to calm my nerves. We’ve been on several dates these last five months, but this one will be so much more special. Tonight is the night I tell her I want to move back in. It’s also the night I finally ask her to marry me. It’s something we’ve talked about for forever, but it finally feels right. I even talked about it with Carl, my therapist, and he thinks it’s a great idea. We’re so far from where we were that night I left. We’re better. 

I knock on our door and chuckle to myself when I hear Penny shuffling on the other side, probably panicking because she isn’t ready yet.  

“Just one more second Cricket! I just have to…” I hear a thud and an “Oof!” 

I try to open the door, but it’s locked. “Penelope, are you okay?” 

“Yes! Yes, I’m fine.” Her voice gets closer as she opens the door. “I just fell tr…” 

I stop hearing her words as I take her in. She’s wearing a baby blue, flowy dress that stops just above her knees and white flats with bows on them. A smile stretches across my face, and I try to control my breathing as I work my way back up to her beautiful blue eyes. I wonder if she can hear how fast my heart is beating.  

She smiles at me. “Hi Cricket”. 

I smile back, “Hi baby”.  

I lean down and brush my lips over hers, feeling happy and overwhelmed by how lucky I am. Lucky, I found a woman who stuck with me through the hard times and was willing to fight for our love, mending what needed fixing, even when it seemed hopeless. I pull back and smile once more, knowing this is all I’ll ever need, Penny by my side. 

THE END